We All Fall Down.....

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

All the kings horses

And all the kings men

Couldn't put Humpty back together again

We've  all fallen off a wall. Our walls all have different titles. We go through those devastating moments when we realize our lives aren't what they seem. In that moment we've realized how delusional we were in our assumptions to how things actually  were.  You know what I'm talking about. We think our families are doing well and we are blending better then the experts said we would. Sure, there were some bumps in the road, but we were well on our way. Or were we?

One day, in the blink of an eye, your faced with the realization that things weren't what you'd though. My day came when I went to pick up my biological children from school and I saw my stepson. He was a kindergartener, just like my youngest, and it was the end of the first day. I walked over to him to say hi and see how his day had gone…and nothing. He was with his babysitters boyfriend, someone he'd known his whole life, and someone who was on his mom's "team". The boyfriend had a smirk on his face as he watched me try and get my stepsons attention, and he continuously ignored me. I ruffled his hair, told him I loved him, hoped he'd had a good first day, I'd see him later, and walked away. When I got home; I wept. Death. That was the word that came to my mind as I sat at my husbands desk, cradling my face in my hands and weeping in agony.

The little boy who'd love on me, play with me, and talk my ear off when he was in our home had ignored me completely. I didn't get it. I felt an array of emotions from grief, loss, humiliation, hysteria, to anger. This couldn't be happening to me. We were a family and we were doing so well!

After the fall, the tears dried and the walls went up. No, this humpty dumpty wasn't even going to try and put herself back together again. No more hurt for this Momma, once was enough. Why should I put myself back together just to succumb to such agony again?

But I did. It took some time but I put Humpty Dumpty back together again and I took down the walls. Had I kept the walls up and let the pieces of humpty lay all around; our family would lose it all. I had to take the walls down for the sake of my husband, my stepsons, my children, and myself. My walls had turned into a maze and I felt like I was continuously lost in it trying to find the way to each family member. My walls came down, the maze was gone and acceptance for all the individuals and the roles they play in our family came in. No, the pieces didn't get put back together again overnight. The process took years but it was well worth the time. Don't be fooled into thinking all is perfect in our humble abode because Humpty still loses some pieces here and there but luckily, with the love of and my faith in Christ, those pieces get patched up again.  

What Binds Me to My Husband?

A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.

Ecc. 4:12

What binds me to my husband? Over the last 4 years of our relationship, many questions have been asked of me, but never what binds me to him.

The first and most important thing that has bound me to my husband was the fact that when I met him, I knew that he was a gift. God showed me that my husband and I were His gifts, one to the other, to form a family that nothing could separate. We would be bigger and stronger and help others who are just like us; a blended family.

The second aspect that binds us is our commitment to one another. The first two years of our marriage were tumultuous. Most days, even when we were at our happiest, I wasn't sure if we would make it. Why would I think such a thing? Well, even when we were happy, I was and am, always anticipating the bottom falling out. He has an angry ex, two sons who toy with his emotions with their games, a stressful job, the pressure of being a full-time father to my three children, our expecting our first child together and how that will and is effecting his relationship with all of us. However, he always surprises me with his dedication and love for us. I've never been blessed to have someone always be there for me or for me to always be there for them...and now it's finally happening.

You see, he's the victim of PAS. This is an aspect of our marriage that I have the hardest time dealing with. However, he's loving, genuine, caring, good and doesn't wish evil upon anyone; not even the one person who thrives on destroying the relationship between he and his sons. While I know it devestates him, he takes it with the grace of an angel and it's that strength that binds me even further to him.

We were at a really low point last summer and I took a trip to see my family. I realized during that trip that nothing was really any fun or worth doing without him. Everything I do, see or experience; I want to share with him. I want him to be a part of everything with me. I actually want and need to be with him; which I never felt with my first husband...even after 12 years.

My husband has graced me with the gift of love and himself. He's shown me what it means to really need, want, share with and love someone. He's taught me how to truly be his best friend, his helpmate, lover and wife. He is what binds me to him.

Is Being Second So Bad?

Women preparing to be the second wife often feel as though they come in second place. They feel they come in second place after the kids/stepkids or after the ex. I've found there are several ways that people respond to these women who feel they come in second place. First, some women may tell these poor ladies to "get over it", it'll always be that way due to the husbands feelings of guilt for being there for his family.

I entered this marriage not being the first wife and initially, I didn't think anything of it. I had of course been married before so I'd had the opportunity to be the first wife. I'd done all the firsts with my first husband; so why did it seem so hard not being able to do them with my second husband? I had become painfully aware through the course of our dating and the first few months of our marriage; just how much I wanted to be a part of those firsts. I wasn't his first kiss, I didn't go on the first honeymoon with him, I didn't nurse him through his first real illness and I certainly didn't bear him his first child. Does this make me any less important as a wife? Am I less of a wife because I didn't experience all that with my second husband? No, but it does leave one with a sense of loss.

However, as the second wife I have the privilege of experiencing much more now then I did in my first marriage. The second time around, I know what I do and do not want to do to my husband and our marriage. I'm more aware of my own feelings and where they come from. I'm able to face them, discuss them with my husband because if I don't.....I know the consequences each of us will face. Both my husband and I learned all that we did and did not want our marriage to be. This made it much easier for us to decide what would and would not be done in our marriage. We were much wiser going into a marriage the second time around, even with kids in tow....or so we thought...